I’m so sorry. For everything.

Have you ever had that moment when you start regretting your past actions? I know I have. To be honest, ever since I graduated high school, I feel like a part of me has gone empty. Partly because I find it hard to come into contact with some of my friends. Partly because I have absolutely no idea how I am going to go about my future. I get angry easily. All I feel now is regret, but at the same time, I feel determined to change that.

However, I may have hurt some people in the process. My first few days after officially graduating high school were normal. I was excited to see what the future had in store for me. I had plans. Big plans. Some of them were unrealistic. But that was what kept me going. If only I knew it was not an easy task to make these plans come to fruition.

I am always at war with my family when it comes to my future. I always dream of being part of a research team for new diseases. I like Science, even though my grades don’t show it. My family is almost always trying to convince me to take another career path. It does get on my nerves. But I know that they just want what is best for me. However, I have made my decision, and I am not going to change it.

My current problem is getting there. I’m still unsure where I should study or what course I should take. My family and friends all have different opinions on this matter. At first, I just listened. After a while, I couldn’t take it. Honestly, I feel like they are forcing their ideas into my head. I do not like, no, I hate being told what to do. Is that a bad thing?

I applied to enter a few schools. However, I was not able to meet their qualifications. If I wanted to study a different course, I could easily go anywhere with my grades. But since I still want to pursue a Science-related degree, I’ve had a hard time with these grades. Should I change my plans?

Again, my family tried to convince me to take alternate options. Their intention was to help me. Instead, I felt like they were discouraging me from achieving my dreams. That was when I stopped listening to what others had to say. I grow tired of having these same talks over and over again. I get angry easily when someone disagrees with me. I even hurt some of my family members’ feelings. I’ve become a bad person, haven’t I?

Maybe this is my reaction to my eagerness having vanished after the hardships I am facing now. I guess you could call me a bomb. When I explode, I harm those around me. I should not have vented my frustration towards others. When I get angry, I lose my sanity. I lose the ability to think straight. I turn into an ugly monster that is filled with hatred and has a stone for a heart.  Is my resolve that weak?

To those of you that I have hurt, please forgive me. I am truly sorry for my actions. I know that I will end up repeating my mistakes. I know that. But I am only human. I am not at all clever at controlling these emotions of mine. They always get the better of me and bring out the worst in me. I only want to be happy. I guess I just do not know how. Pathetic, is it not? 

Right now, I feel like my life is at a standstill. I keep thinking that the future is so close, but in truth, it is very far from where I am now. That’s why I feel so frustrated. I know that I can do more to fix that,  but instead, I’m merely hoping and dreaming. I know that what I am facing now is only temporary. But it feels like forever to me. I’m the problem here, aren’t I? 

So, to sum it all up, I am extremely sorry for hurting your feelings whether directly or indirectly. Even if I hadn’t done anything wrong to you, even if I never even met you, I am sorry for all my wrongdoings. I hope you understand that I never meant to do any of them. Will you forgive me?   

I won’t force you to, but can you forgive a man like me? 

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5 thoughts on “I’m so sorry. For everything.

  1. Hi there! What a brave post! A part of being strong is being able to admit when you are wrong. Great read!

    Not sure where you are but have thought about trying a 2 year community college to help you toward your goal of getting into a Science program? When I was applying to colleges that was the suggestions given to me. I kinda got off track in high school so my grades weren’t the best.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. There is so much pressure to know exactly what career path you should take right out of high school. If it didn’t get in this year, try again next year but in the meantime check what the prerequisites are to get into the programs you want to get into. Can you take some courses again to increase your grade point average? The previous commenter had a great suggestion too.

    But don’t beat yourself up about blowing up at people during this stressful time. Have you told anyone about how it makes you feel when they don’t understand that you feel like you lost your dream? Your plan? They might be trying to fix it instead of just letting you feel scared and lost. But you don’t have to be. Just come up with a Plan B. Sometimes they are even better than Plan A.

    I hope this helps. I feel for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I appreciate it. I’ve talked about this to my close family. They understand. It’s just my other relatives that I have a problem with. I mean, I know they only want to help. But I sometimes take it the wrong way and think they are discouraging me. I should probably work on that.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The key is to move forward. Just because you dont have a plan for your career now doesnt mean it won’t come as you begin to experience life. If you need to, travel a bit before you launch into school. but take it from a gal who spent her late 30’s in school – go NOW. It’s so important. I know this is a book targeted (by title alone) towards women – but grab it and READ IT! It will change your perspective AND life. “I am a Badass” by Jen Sincero. Seriously – what do you have to lose? You’ve got this! You’ve brave, strong, and it’s time to listen to your heart. Much love and hugs! -Amanda

    Liked by 1 person

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