I’m so sorry. For everything.

Have you ever had that moment when you start regretting your past actions? I know I have. To be honest, ever since I graduated high school, I feel like a part of me has gone empty. Partly because I find it hard to come into contact with some of my friends. Partly because I have absolutely no idea how I am going to go about my future. I get angry easily. All I feel now is regret, but at the same time, I feel determined to change that.

However, I may have hurt some people in the process. My first few days after officially graduating high school were normal. I was excited to see what the future had in store for me. I had plans. Big plans. Some of them were unrealistic. But that was what kept me going. If only I knew it was not an easy task to make these plans come to fruition.

I am always at war with my family when it comes to my future. I always dream of being part of a research team for new diseases. I like Science, even though my grades don’t show it. My family is almost always trying to convince me to take another career path. It does get on my nerves. But I know that they just want what is best for me. However, I have made my decision, and I am not going to change it.

My current problem is getting there. I’m still unsure where I should study or what course I should take. My family and friends all have different opinions on this matter. At first, I just listened. After a while, I couldn’t take it. Honestly, I feel like they are forcing their ideas into my head. I do not like, no, I hate being told what to do. Is that a bad thing?

I applied to enter a few schools. However, I was not able to meet their qualifications. If I wanted to study a different course, I could easily go anywhere with my grades. But since I still want to pursue a Science-related degree, I’ve had a hard time with these grades. Should I change my plans?

Again, my family tried to convince me to take alternate options. Their intention was to help me. Instead, I felt like they were discouraging me from achieving my dreams. That was when I stopped listening to what others had to say. I grow tired of having these same talks over and over again. I get angry easily when someone disagrees with me. I even hurt some of my family members’ feelings. I’ve become a bad person, haven’t I?

Maybe this is my reaction to my eagerness having vanished after the hardships I am facing now. I guess you could call me a bomb. When I explode, I harm those around me. I should not have vented my frustration towards others. When I get angry, I lose my sanity. I lose the ability to think straight. I turn into an ugly monster that is filled with hatred and has a stone for a heart.  Is my resolve that weak?

To those of you that I have hurt, please forgive me. I am truly sorry for my actions. I know that I will end up repeating my mistakes. I know that. But I am only human. I am not at all clever at controlling these emotions of mine. They always get the better of me and bring out the worst in me. I only want to be happy. I guess I just do not know how. Pathetic, is it not? 

Right now, I feel like my life is at a standstill. I keep thinking that the future is so close, but in truth, it is very far from where I am now. That’s why I feel so frustrated. I know that I can do more to fix that,  but instead, I’m merely hoping and dreaming. I know that what I am facing now is only temporary. But it feels like forever to me. I’m the problem here, aren’t I? 

So, to sum it all up, I am extremely sorry for hurting your feelings whether directly or indirectly. Even if I hadn’t done anything wrong to you, even if I never even met you, I am sorry for all my wrongdoings. I hope you understand that I never meant to do any of them. Will you forgive me?   

I won’t force you to, but can you forgive a man like me?